2003-05-08

2003-05-08 - 10:11 a.m.

Dear Clothing Manufacturers:

Here are my demands. I'm stronger, cuter and sassier than you. I suggest you comply ASAP.

1. I'm a size 14. I realize that in Hollywood, that makes me enormous. In the real world, it means that the number of guys who want to grab my ass is about equal to those who don't. I'm also 29. I don't want to look like I'm 50 in business clothes. I also don't want to look like an 18-year old hooker in casual clothes. Make it happen.

2. Being a size 14 does not mean I have boobs the size of Mt. Fuji. I know that you're creating clothes for lots of women, but please, give me a top I can wear to work without showing the Chancellor my nipples.

3. My ass is pretty normal-sized. It's not bubbly, it's not flat. Make me a fucking pair of jeans.

4. Low-rise.

5. Charcoal sand-blast.

6. Let's talk panties. Why in god's name do you size panties differently from pants? Fix this immediately. I don't care how. Just do it.

7. Bra sizes. Need I say more? And what's with the padding? Doesn't this just piss off the guys (and one assumes, the lesbians) getting fooled? Let's keep the pushups, though. Those are important.

8. Crop tops. Get rid of 'em. No woman over 15 looks good in these. Even Jennifer Lopez has trouble.

9. I don't wear anything with a brand name emblazoned across the chest. Cut that shit out.

10. I do not need cargo pockets to make my hips look bigger. They do that all on their own.

As I said, I will punish you if I don't see major changes quickly. This is your only warning.

Comments: Speak your piece!

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