2003-05-01 - 8:35 a.m.
I've had so many lives/
since I was a child/
and I realize/
how many times I've died/
Madonna, "Nobody Knows Me"
Okay, so quoting Madonna doesn't make me proud. But her new album American Life, while largely crappy dance music, does have a few interesting pieces. The above lyric has me caught. This is what major life changes are like - a death.
I can look back and divide myself into different people. Different lives. Sometimes the changes are self-begun; often they've happened without my paying attention.
There's a central shift happening right now, right this second, and it's huge. It's been the last two or three weeks. And maybe I'll regret some of the choices I'm making. But for so long, J was the reason I made choices. I only considered "we". And it burned me and burned me--and I let it. I sacrificed most of who I am to be with him. I thought that was what I had to do to have someone love me.
When he left, he had stopped wanting me. He left so easily. He left me and went back to her after only a few weeks. We'd lived together for years. I can forgive, but I'm not stupid, and I don't forget much.
And this is the change; without meaning it selfishly, I come before "we" now. And he's not thrilled with me about it. But oddly, he's regaining respect for me.
I won't build him up just to break him down, but I can feel the break coming. After all these years, I finally understand my mom. She always used to tell me that she loved Daddy but didn't like him very much.
Comments: Speak your piece!
former / latter