December 04, 2003

December 04, 2003 - 4:54 p.m.

I'm such a tard sometimes. Takes me forever to figure out the most basic thing.

All those years of blah sex? Hello, Dumbass, you were on PROZAC! No wonder you had no sex drive! Remember? You started sleeping with Tall Guy, went on the Pill, and started bashing your head against the wall because of the ensuing depression. They put you on the 'Zac. Lust remainder: zero. And it stayed that way until, hmm, you went OFF the drug and were sleeping with J - with whom, of course, you didn't need the stupid drug because the sludge so rarely came. (urg. bad memories.)

Then you went on Celexa because 'Zac was giving you heart palpitations, and suddenly, wonder of wonders, you wanted to hump like a bunny. Hello, welcome to making up for years of suppressed boinkery!

Lucky Scratcher. Lucky me.

December 04, 2003 - 4:23 p.m.

I think I'm finally growing up.

Monday night, driving home from Trader Joe's in the rain, I passed T's house. (T, for those not as obsessed with my life as I am, is the bitchmaster slag that J [the ex] cheated with.*) Usually when I drive past her place, I look for J's car. It's always seemed like just a matter of time.

Nope. Not only did I not look for his car, I considered ringing her doorbell to say thank you. That would maybe not be the best idea. So instead:

Thank you, T, for lying to my face, fucking my boyfriend for weeks, and then saying that he was thinking about me the whole time. In retrospect, that slutty-ass behavior was the only thing that could upset enough to eventually leave him. Kudos on your quality choices.

I said I was growing, damnit, not that I'm grown!


*Holy crap, could there be more parentheses? Could I feel more like Chandler Bing?

December 04, 2003 - 1:47 p.m.

I've been reading and re-reading this. What do you think, people? And no, I don't think the question is limited to male-female relationships. Please. But can it happen?

Don't know if it's the food (mmm, spinach pie with feta) or the four Excedrin Migraine I took, but suddenly I'm in a terrific mood. Hee. My brain keeps throwing up random words like spork and luperlicious and spoonfroggle - some of which are clearly the result of too many linguistics classes where you discuss phoneme potentiality*. Froglicious. Suptastic. Scarfbuggle. Hee again.

While this good mood lasts, it's time to make a list of everything that's been making me happy. You've only been hearing about the junk, so it's time that you hear the good stuff!

The Happy List

1. David, Ator, Spoon and Tobic have convinced me that Texas doesn't suck. Well, more specifically, that the men in Texas don't suck. No, instead they tell extremely funny jokes and obsess over The Simpsons. My kind of people. Thanks, guys. You've kept me laughing on a couple of jacked-up days.

2. Scratcher, who doesn't know that I didn't really need his truck, but borrowed it so that he could have my warm, CD-playing car while he's sick. I'm sneaky and he's a gem.

3. Being employed. Yes, my job sucks unwashed booty sometimes, but I get paid. Every month. I eat. I'm warm and dry. My clothes are clean.

4. The Christmas shopping is done. Grand total for 15 gifts is $100 - and all of that was spent at my LYS.** So the little bit that was spent supported an independently-owned business. Take that, scum-sucking corporate dillholes. These gifts will be cool, too. Who doesn't love handmade stuff? (Shut up, guys. He gets slippers, not a hat - because apparently "girlfriend-made stuff is scary"?!)

5. Women are multi-orgasmic. Batteries are cheap. My boyfriend is talented. 'Nuff said.

6. ***

7. Wench's drawings.

Time for another diet Pepsi. Did I say that NutraSweet makes me happy too?


*That is, combinations of phonemes that don't exist but fit into the rules of English. Or did I just make that up?
**Local Yarn Shop.
***You. Reading.

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former / latter