2003-08-15

2003-08-15 - 2:58 p.m.

There are two genies inhabiting my body.

The first is kind. She likes to grant wishes, because making people happy makes her happy. She likes to pick people up when they're down. She wants to be the one you call when your fiancee dumps you or you get in an argument with your mom. She's the one who changes Miss Beek's flat tires, who rubbed Momma Guerin's belly and sang during Siana's birth. She sends her friends unexpected gifts. She made jam for her entire office last Christmas. She loves each and every one of the people who've ever let her get close, even when they've hurt her. She knows that people rarely hurt each other on purpose, and while human frailty - including her own - makes her sad, she tries to understand and be accepting. I'm pretty sure the kind genie is good to know.

Then there's the other genie. She's a raving lunatic. She flips off the tailgater. She writes (and deletes) bratty emails to her office manager. She spends far too much money on unimportant things like jewelry. After a few cocktails, friends have to wrestle the cell phone away from her so that she doesn't call J and ask for her back rent, her Chez Panisse prints and her self-confidence. She takes rejection far too personally. She assumes that there's no way anyone will love her - and with her attitude, she's probably right. The evil genie is very difficult to know.

Those two genies have been warring in me all week. I haven't been able to forgive the man who wants to be my friend. The evil genie is humiliated. She wants to rail and scream. The problem is, my friend hasn't done anything wrong, and kind genie goddamn knows it. Evil genie is screaming in my migraine-soaked head all the time that this was deliberate. Smarter genie knows that he's *not* that kind of person and that he's beating himself up too much as it is.

How can I give kind genie a hand? How do you carve out friendship when you wanted more? Every time I've tried, it's been at the tail end of a relationship. We've ended up having sex but not dating...and then sex and dating...and before you know it, we were back in the relationship. That's not an option here. How am I going to soothe evil genie and bring back the good?

First of all, I'm going to trust him. We're taking a hiatus. It's better - I'm usually ok until I check email or hear my cell chirp. I have to trust that he'll answer the phone or reply to an email a week from now. That's not easy - my reflex is that he's gone. But instead of freaking out, I'm going to close my eyes and step off the cliff.

Second, I'm getting some help. I've made an appointment with Therapist for Thursday, which is two weeks ahead of schedule. This is bigger than me, and I don't want to fuck it up irrevocably.

Third, I'm going to enjoy my weekend. No moping allowed. I get to look at beautiful art, hang out with beautiful people, and be healthy. I get to meet two people that are a little scary, they're so cool. Chagall is waiting for me. Not so bad.

Lastly, I'm going to knit for the Cancer Society. The past week's been hard. I've had daily migraines, a girlfriend is being an *outstanding* pain in the ass, and I lost a possibility for love. But none of that is life threatening. I paid my bills on time. I rode my bike. I fed myself. Enough self-pity - there are people just a few blocks away who are fighting to keep down their dinners because of chemo treatments. There are sixteen year-old kids being tattooed so that their radiation masks fit the right way. I know - I've driven them to the appointments. It's more than time to stop being so damned selfish.

And to my friend out there waiting for me to pull my head out of my ass: I'm sorry. I *will* fix this. Please hold on. Please answer the phone in a week.

Comments: Speak your piece!

former / latter