Works in Progress
Wavy scarf for Christmas present in Manos del Uruguay (mostly on the shuttle, so it's slow going)

Current Obsession
Head.Must.Stay.Above.Water.

Last Google Search
Airline prices from Sacramento to Memphis - my parents have both sold their houses!

Woo-Hoo!
We have tickets for the Old 97's on October 16! Happy anniversary, honey!

Loving
My Netflix queue, which saves me from real TV

Munching
Burritos with home-cooked pintos, sharp cheddar and spinach

Cooking
Roasted peppers with crumbled queso fresco

Garden stuff
My poor garden - totally neglected and dry.

Archives
April 2003
May 2003
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004

You talkin' to me?
eMail
Notes
Profile
Amazon Wish List

Many thanks to:
Diaryland
PixelScripts
Artwork � Lian Quan Zhen

Previously...

i got a new attitude - September 24, 2004

- - September 22, 2004

- - September 20, 2004

Is this thing on? - September 20, 2004

- - September 15, 2004

2003-08-06

2003-08-06 - 12:32 p.m.

I'm not quite myself today.

If you came looking to laugh, visit Bumptious. If you came looking to knit, go to devBear. If you came looking for sex talk, see Miss Lovejoy's "wanking" entry. If you want to see my newest read, go to Grey Eyes. And yesterday I had buttons if you're feeling crafty.

But if you're looking for chipper, life-affirming stuff, please go elsewhere. I don't want to yank anybody down from a good mood. But something is going on inside my fucked up little self that is overwhelming. I got into the car this a.m., pulled onto the freeway and just lost it. I cried the entire commute. And no, I wasn't listening to Peter Gabriel's US, and no, NPR wasn't talking about homelessness again. Instead, a realization I've been putting off pushed itself forward.

I consider myself an incredibly lucky person in many, many ways. There are numerous examples that can be cited - everything from the political - I'm female and vote, I control my reproductive system, to the deeply personal - my shattered back was spliced together with titanium. Part my feeling lucky is due to a conscious decision a number of years back to see deeply difficult situations as challenges rather than fiascoes. Unfortunately, this means that on occasion, something slips past my radar. Internal thoughts: Hey, I'm a healthy, capable person - of course I can deal with whatever's happening! I'll just do some yoga! I'll work overtime!

I've been in two long-term relationships, both of a roughly 3-year duration. The men were very different; our relationships were very different. One of the few similarities is that both ended due to huge trust-breaking admissions from the guys. There are some things that are too emotionally large for two people to work through together. Another similarity is that both of them ended up wanting me back. Tall Guy called me numerous times before he moved to L.A. for graduate work; I took J back for nine months. I thought I was ok with all of this failure. I was careful during the J breakup; it was a long, drawn-out decision, and I would make it again today. Tall Guy and I had lunch a few months ago and without explicitly saying anything, agreed to let the bad shit go. So hey, isn't that great? Internal thoughts from back then: I'm healthy, I'm happy, and I'm completely willing to meet new people and try again. Everything's a-ok.

You know, it's amazing that I remember to breathe, I'm so stupid. I am most decidedly not fucking okay. Internal thoughts again - from today: Crying in the car is not normal, it's not goddamn lucky, it's a sign that something is making you sad, dipshit!

I met a new person recently. We've developed a bond that is unusual, and one that I've come to value very much. He's shown himself to be sexy and funny and smart. Funny is absolutely necessary. Smart is a requirement too. Sexy is definitely good. All of the men I've ever cared for - friends and lovers - have those qualities. And then, most unexpectedly, he showed me kindness. And I've come apart at the seams. Because jesus christ, kindness is totally new. No man has ever shown me such simple human compassion. I don't even think it occurred to him not to. I can't figure out how to feel about this. I feel graced - because I've finally learned that this is possible. All of a sudden I understand that there's another level I've missed. And I don't think it's just this generous man - although god knows he is a prize in every way. But I also feel incredibly sad and angry at myself. How did I get to this age, how did I make it through those six years of Tall Guy and J without being treated with care? They couldn't give me something so basic. That is what's breaking me up - that I have been so willing to give love without expecting much back.



Comments: Speak your piece!

former / latter

Attack of the Blogs
Adrift in Japan
All Guinness
Ator's Ramblings
Bumptious
Dating God
Dooce
Everyday Stranger
Going Jesus
Hatamaran
I Don�t Think
Jessica Lovejoy
Kat's Paws
Maison Pants
Mimi Smartypants
No Regrets
Real Live Preacher
Spoonerisms
The Dillhole Spotter
Tobic
tremble dot com
Was I Screaming?
wench77

Talents 'n' Tempters
Anna Chambers
BearSkinRug
David Goines
Keri Smith
Leafages
Loose Tooth
Lush
Peach Berserk
Rob Dario
S. Britt
Sideshow
The Bird Machine
Tim Biskup
Toothpaste for Dinner
X-Entertainment

Brain or Bust!
The Atlantic
Babble
Found Magazine
How Stuff Works
Knot Mag
McSweeney's
The Morning News
OED Word of the Day
Project Gutenberg
Salon - Sex
Something Positive
Tomato Nation

Knitastic
Bonkers Fiber
Chicknits
devBear
Elann
Grey Eyes
In Sheep�s Clothing
Interweave Knits
Knitty
Lorna's Laces
Perfect Touch
Red Lipstick
Rowan
Stitch Guide
Sweater Project
The Yarn Co.
Threadbear
Webs
White Lies Designs

She's Crafty!
(thx, Beasties)
American Science and Surplus
crafty chica
Darma Trading
Feria Urbana
Fine Art Store
Get Crafty
Glitter Boards
Jejeune
Loobylu
Not Martha
Readymade Mag