2003-05-12
2003-05-12 - 11:33 p.m.
The enormity of what I�ve given up has finally fully hit me. I miss J. I don�t want him back, but I miss him. For such a long time I believed we�d be together for the rest of our lives. I want that back. I want the first two years back. I want to make love to him again in his tiny studio, flopped out on the dirty turquoise futon mattress. I want him to enter me for the first time, after we�ve drawn it out for a month, teasing each other. I want to come again while he�s inside me, so naturally that it�s like seeing the sky clear after rain. I want him to kiss the long scar on my back with the taste of my sex still on his tongue. I want him to fold me up in his arms and sleep, snore in my ear and wake me up with Peet�s coffee. I want to still love him. I want him to still love me. And none of it will ever be again. I know that it�s normal for me to be sad. I just thought I was done with it. I don�t miss the reality of him; I don�t miss what we became. Give me time. I�ll get over this. I�m surrounded by loving people; I have friends and family who couldn�t be more thrilled that I�ve gone my own way. Much support, laughter and pure fun has come my way unexpectedly, and I�m grateful. (Bacci to you, sweet.) For now, just know that sometimes I�m crying. Sometimes I�m laughing. I�ve lost before. I�ll come back. ��oh, what I won�t give/to have the things that mean the most/not to mean the things I miss�� --Indigo Girls
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