2003-04-30 - 8:56 a.m.
I'm ready, god. Give me that hindsight. Give me some kind of sight. Give me something that tells me what I'm supposed to be doing.
When I made the decision to stay, I felt good about it. For an entire couple of days, which at this point is a miracle. I know this man loves me. And that he wants this to work. But I just don't care that much any more. I love him, too. But no matter how much I try, I don't see a future.
Do I want to give all the amazing stuff up? Is it the right thing to do if I can't devote myself? It's just that we still have the same problems. I can't see myself living with him ever again. I can't see myself trusting him enough to get married.
And of course I can't lose the image of him in bed with T. Bitch. Who knew knew I could hate someone.
But if I walk away, I am absolutely the bitch. I will have ruined him. I'll be the one he learns to hate. And I don't want to hurt him like that.
But is it worse to stay? What if he's it, he's the best one, and I fuck it up? And I regret him forever.
Why, why does this have to be so difficult? We had two amazing years. And one year of sheer hell.
Comments: Speak your piece!
former / latter