February 11, 2004

February 11, 2004 - 4:22 p.m.

Have you seen "The Apartment"? It's an old Jack Lemmon/Shirley MacLaine romance directed by Billy Wilder. In it Jack plays an up-and-coming insurance dork who lends out his apartment key to execs tooling around with various giggling women. Jack rarely gets to use the apartment when he needs it. His next door neighbors, a doctor and wife, think it's Jack who's Big Pimpin' with the chicklets, causing all kinds of ruckus. After Shirley - an elevator girl hotting around with one of the married execs - swallows a handful of sleeping pills in the apartment, the doctor's disgusted with Jack.

Be a mensch, he says. Do you know what that is? A human being. Be a man, Baxter!

The last day or so I've been thinking about what it takes to be a mensch. It started because someone online showed the wimpiest weakest behavior I've seen since my ex. His refusal to deal with reality got me analyzing what it is I like about Real Men. (Yes, being a mensch certainly applies to women, but that's a whole other conversation, another thread for my overloaded brain - and will have to wait. Another day, another entry.)

Here's how I think a mensch behaves: He's honest. He acknowledges his faults and works on them. No making excuses about his behavior because of them. He tries to fix trouble at home before he flits to someone new. (Being a mensch is by no means limited to straight people!!) In other words, no yankie my wankie before the conversation's been had. Hopefully, none before the paper's been signed. He does not hurt others deliberately, but when it happens, he recognizes that there's been damage and apologizes. He does not 'fall in love' every ten minutes. He keeps his promises.

He shows up when he says he will. He returns phone calls. He feeds, clothes and supports (money AND affection) any pets or kids he's involved with. Yes, even if they're not his biologically. If there's alimony or child support, it's timely. He listens. He talks and expects you to listen. He thinks money is a tool, not an end. He laughs a lot.

When something breaks that he knows how to fix, he teaches you how to fix it. He likes your independence. He likes his own, too. He calls people on their bull. There is purpose and thought behind his important decisions. He respects himself enough not to let anyone treat him like crap. He also expects YOU to respect yourself enough not to let anyone treat you badly. He admits it when he fucks up.

I'm lucky these days to know a group of real Men. They've had to grow into their adulthood - and maybe age is a necessity for menschhood. I'm also dating one. Let me say it's an eye-opener to be with someone who has concrete expectations of me and of himself. What I find in him and other Men is intellectual curiosity, brutal and funny honesty and a pure lust for real life that far outweighs the flim-flam boys with their shoegazing and "issues".

I don't mean to say that every Man you meet's going to look the same. They're straight and gay. They wear Kenneth Cole and Dickies. Beer-bellied or rat-tail thin. All ages and races. Sometimes there'll be bad hair - you might have to get past that! But every single one deserves credit in our stinking world for learning how to be a Man. And hey, you out there cheating in your heart? Karma's gonna smack your ass. Pull your self up, out and away before you hurt anybody else. Have enough respect to back off. Yeah, you. That's right.

Be a mensch.

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former / latter