December 15, 2003
December 15, 2003 - 10:28 a.m.
Hidely hodely, neighbor! Isn't it a toodely-doodely good day to love the Lord?
Whoops, sorry about that. Wrong station.
Dontcha just hate it when your thong gets wedged during a two-hour meeting and you can't adjust it without people seeing?
That's more like it.
It is time, it is time to turn down the volume. I feel like the entire weekend was lived full-blast Henry Rollins grunting style - and sweet monkey moonshine, I'm tired. Peopled out, you know? I want a few days at home by myself to recharge and mull over things. The pace of life has been so breakneck that I haven't had an opportunity to think about what people are saying.
Specifically, there are two things bugging more than usual. First, two of my closest friends are due to be married the end of March. After time spent with them singly and together the last few days, it's unequivocal: they shouldn't get married. They're both miserable. Love, in this case, is probably not enough. I hate seeing them like this. And it's depressing as hell - not just because two lovely people are torturing each other, but because I so clearly remember being where they are. God.
Second - and this is more complicated - all of a sudden there are a number of people who are critical of my personality. And I'm not sure what to do about it.
Sigh. Guess detail would help you understand.
Remember back when I was assaulted on the bike trail? Well, that night I went drinking with friends, including Bri-Cat. In his infinite fuckhead manner, he told me that I had probably deserved the attack and that I should shut up about it. Picture me crying in the bathroom, not willing for him to know how shitty he'd made me feel. Fast forward to Thursday night. He was making nice to Cec, trying to make up for being a jerk to her in previous days. My big mouth jumps in with, How long are you going to kiss her butt? He's pissed at me all night. Is still pissed.
Now I ask you, is this fair? He can say terrible things to me and I should be fine, but I can't tease him about trying to play up to Cec? How am I the jerk here?
There are more examples, but right now it feels like all of them come down to an expectation that I should not be myself. And, as I explained to Scratcher last night, every single one of the things that I'm being questioned on are things that men do all the damned time. I feel like I'm being punished for not being a retiring little girl.
This really, really hurts my feelings. I wasn't brought up to let people walk on me, regardless of gender or position. Neither was I taught to be a bitch. Just to be honest; to give and request respect. It stinks to have so many people judging me. It stinks to feel as if I have to be on guard all of the time.
It's entirely likely that I'm being sensitive out of over-tiredness; it's been four night in a row that I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep. The money fuckery is also still unresolved. I'm praying for papers to sign by Friday. So okay. What I would like is enough unencumbered time and space to just think this through before reacting. Before it kills the little bit of self-respect that had lurched its way into my life. Ugh.
Comments: Speak your piece!
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