December 08, 2003
December 08, 2003 - 2:28 p.m.
When the going gets tough, I hide my head in the sand like an emu. Or do I take two Tylenol with codeine? You make the call.
I swear to Muy Caliente, it's a good thing I don't have access to drugs right now. Serious drugs, that is. Codeine doesn't quite count.
My mom says she'll pray for me. Oh joy.* Here's what I suggest:
Please stop shafting my daughter. Or at least use some lube so she can try for a G-spot orgasm.
*No, I don't mean that. It's a very sweet and gracious thing for her to do. I'm just grapefruit-peel bitter today.
December 08, 2003 - 12:59 p.m.
Stop it. No, really. Kiss my ass and stop messing with me.
To the Fuckers who Charged $1400 on my ATM Card Last Saturday:
I'd like to thank you for shafting me at just the right moment. How did you know that I had deliberately transferred extra money into checking on Friday to ensure that the appraiser would be paid? And were you aware that my mortgage typically comes out of the account on the 10th each month? Your timeliness is admirable!
Thanks to Bank of America's policy that platinum account members have no daily spending limit, you managed to spend $399.64 at a website called something like S*tanicWh*res. Whew! That's one heck of a download! It's good to know that you weren't too busy spending $294.77 buying new sporting equipment. Or are you combining sex and skiing for an all-new high? How does one spend $1400 in two hours, anyway? Ah, that's right; you buy cheese-ass blingbling from Sears online.
My most fervent FUCK YOU goes out because your activities forced me to borrow money from my dad for the first time since I was 16. He just loves having to rescue his 29-year-old daughter. And I so enjoyed explaining how you shafted me!
Finally, mucho appreciation at having my entire checking and savings accounts frozen just when I desperately needed to go drinking. When I most wanted to get as vodka-sloshy as possible, you made me play the chick card for drinks. My tatas* have never been put to such cheap but effective use.
May you spend Christmas in a "federal pound-me-in-the-ass"** prison.
*Thanks to S. for tatas. Best boob-related word ever.
**Courtesy Office Space.
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