Works in Progress
Wavy scarf for Christmas present in Manos del Uruguay (mostly on the shuttle, so it's slow going)

Current Obsession
Head.Must.Stay.Above.Water.

Last Google Search
Airline prices from Sacramento to Memphis - my parents have both sold their houses!

Woo-Hoo!
We have tickets for the Old 97's on October 16! Happy anniversary, honey!

Loving
My Netflix queue, which saves me from real TV

Munching
Burritos with home-cooked pintos, sharp cheddar and spinach

Cooking
Roasted peppers with crumbled queso fresco

Garden stuff
My poor garden - totally neglected and dry.

Archives
April 2003
May 2003
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004

You talkin' to me?
eMail
Notes
Profile
Amazon Wish List

Many thanks to:
Diaryland
PixelScripts
Artwork Lian Quan Zhen

Previously...

i got a new attitude - September 24, 2004

- - September 22, 2004

- - September 20, 2004

Is this thing on? - September 20, 2004

- - September 15, 2004

2003-05-12

2003-05-12 - 11:33 p.m.

The enormity of what Ive given up has finally fully hit me. I miss J. I dont want him back, but I miss him. For such a long time I believed wed be together for the rest of our lives. I want that back. I want the first two years back. I want to make love to him again in his tiny studio, flopped out on the dirty turquoise futon mattress. I want him to enter me for the first time, after weve drawn it out for a month, teasing each other. I want to come again while hes inside me, so naturally that its like seeing the sky clear after rain. I want him to kiss the long scar on my back with the taste of my sex still on his tongue. I want him to fold me up in his arms and sleep, snore in my ear and wake me up with Peets coffee.

I want to still love him. I want him to still love me. And none of it will ever be again.

I know that its normal for me to be sad. I just thought I was done with it. I dont miss the reality of him; I dont miss what we became.

Give me time. Ill get over this. Im surrounded by loving people; I have friends and family who couldnt be more thrilled that Ive gone my own way. Much support, laughter and pure fun has come my way unexpectedly, and Im grateful. (Bacci to you, sweet.) For now, just know that sometimes Im crying. Sometimes Im laughing. Ive lost before. Ill come back.

oh, what I wont give/to have the things that mean the most/not to mean the things I miss --Indigo Girls



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